


More Mirth than I am Mistress Of

by DaughterofProspero



Category: As You Like It - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Angst and Humor, Catharsis, Forests, Friendship/Love, Loneliness, Monologue, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 04:25:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5898145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaughterofProspero/pseuds/DaughterofProspero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Herein I see thou lovest me not with the full weight<br/>that I love thee. If my uncle, thy banished father,<br/>had banished thy uncle, the duke my father, so thou<br/>hadst been still with me, I could have taught my<br/>love to take thy father for mine: so wouldst thou,<br/>if the truth of thy love to me were so righteously<br/>tempered as mine is to thee."</p><p>With Rosalind and Orlando besotted, Celia suddenly finds herself very alone.</p><p>A monologue she never got to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Mirth than I am Mistress Of

I wish I could be happier for you, Rose. I’m trying, I'm trying very hard, I swear. But there’s this feeling in my chest that I can’t…it hurts.

I have always wanted the best for you, ever since we were young. It was a miracle you became my friend after what my father did to yours – an even bigger one that we became so close. Like a fuck you to my Dad. I don’t mean I wanted to be your friend to spite him, it wasn’t about that. It was just sort of an…added benefit, I guess. And I wanted to make you feel better. You were so upset – I mean, of _course_ you were, you just lost your Dad, I can’t imagine…

Actually, we used to talk about running away, in the early days. Filling up some sort of bindle with food and clothes and going to search for your Dad like adventurers. We were way too young, then, we definitely would have either been found immediately or been eaten by a bear or something, who knows. I would never have said that to you, though I thought about it even then. We’d lie in our beds, looking up at the ceiling in the dark and slowly drifting off in the middle of sentences. It calmed you down.

For years, we were all the other had and that was fine by us.

Sorry, this buildup is making me sound jealous, I know, but please bear with me. I…feel like I’m losing my purpose. And it’s…it’s really scaring me. I wish I’d known, looking back, that it’s not healthy to be so attached to only one person. I mean, I couldn’t have known, even if I did it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would never abandon you. Our friendship…I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I knew what I was to you before. But now…honestly, Rose, I’m totally lost. And it feels awful, _I_ feel awful. And I can’t be angry at you – I don’t want to be – but I wish I had _someone_ to blame besides myself. I want to be angry, I want to lash out, but you’re so _happy_. It just…it feels like it’s coming at my expense. It’s not about me. But I’m still here, y’know?

Whatever love-bug you caught didn’t screw around. Googly eyes; both of you were completely tongue-tied (honestly, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen); you gave him a necklace, like, three seconds after you met him; and now against all odds…you actually found each other. _In the middle of a forest_. It’s crazy, it’s ridiculous, _you’re_ ridiculous but it’s not just a crush, I know it’s not. Anyone could tell.

I keep hearing these cynical things coming out of my mouth. About you and him. Like the dreamier you get the more sarcastic and aloof I get. I’ve always been cheeky, I guess (my Dad hated that), but I can’t tell how serious I am when I tease you. I don’t know if I’m grounding you or holding you back.

I _am_ happy for you. I _swear_ I am. I am happy for you two, I’m happy you’re free, I’m happy we got away.

But Rose…

I am so lonely.

Always, I thought no matter what we had each other. I could be there for you, I could take care of you. But…you don’t really need me anymore. You have the sweetest (a little doofy, but he’s still super sweet) guy on planet earth to do that now. But it never really hit me until now that…I need you.

I need you to need me; which…isn’t fair to you (I’m sorry this is getting so confusing). It’s normal, that people grow apart; but if you don’t need me, what am I here for? You can move on because you have something to move forward to and I…I don’t. Really.

Like…My Dad? I’ll never be what he wants for me, and I can’t go running back to him with my tail between my legs. And fond as I am of Touchstone, he’s always done his own thing. And I can’t just leave you, to go and make my fortune as some weird vagabond shepherd lady.

And…

I think there’s something else too…

I guess…seeing you and Orlando…it’s made me realize just how nice that would be. Y’know? To have someone care for me like that…it’s…sometimes it’s hard to watch. You two. What is it like, to feel that sort of love? You’re walking on air all the time now and it’s because of him and I’m happy for you, but I want it too. So badly, it makes me hurt.

I’m losing myself, Rose. I’m forgetting Celia. I need…I don’t know. I don’t know.

I’m just lonely.

But I am happy for you. I really, truly, am.

**Author's Note:**

> I adore Celia. Rosalind's great, but in my heart of hearts Celia is my fave in this play. And definitely in my top five.  
> So much of the dialogue between them is all about Rosalind losing her shit, and Celia constantly either grounding her or getting her back on her feet, but Celia never gets to have a good old fashioned feels-monologue.  
> Here be catharsis, I suppose. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
